The Northeast Philly Guide to Coked-up Babysitters

I was downstairs this morning, getting tea and lunch and other miscellaneous things ready for the day when my babysitter came in. 

She burst into the kitchen, murmuring a hello to me in her thick Russian accent while she made a b-line straight for the broom and dustpan (which my wife calls the tree branch and scoop - not important to the story, but interesting aside).  She was blabbering the whole way about how it was not too hot, not too cold outside like a Russian Goldilocks, and asking me what Russian words were in English.

I wondered if she knew it was too early in the morning for a pop quiz.

She took the broom outside to sweep something up, brought it back inside and proceeded to go through the refrigerator, asking why we haven't eaten any of the food that is in there. 

"Zese Cherries, vhy haven't you eaten zem?"

"My wife takes them to work a little at a time - so we are eating them, just slowly."

"Zese veg-e-tables, vhy haven't you eaten zem?"

"We eat them for dinner...it's breakfast time.  We'll eat them when dinner time comes."

"Zis choco-lait cake, vhy haven't you eaten zis?"

I thought to myself that if Russian Jewish grandmothers were part of the Gestapo, this would be like what their interrogations would be like.

Then, when we left to go to work, she calls my wife, asking again why we haven't eaten the chocolate cake.  

She's almost 60, but she's seriously like a pre-teen girl on coke.  Her mouth does NOT stop.

A while ago, I worked from home.  It was during earnings season, so I was particularly busy with work.  Yet she came over about every thirty minutes telling me some random fact about her life.  For example:

• I have daughter - she lives vit me, and I say to her - I say, "Gala! You need to learn how to cook like real woman!" Ok, Zat's all I wanted to say.  I'm sorry, I leave you alone.
• Me and my daughter go to exercise class called 'Zumba'.  You know what is Zumba?  It is dancing.  (she dances around in a circle like she's having a slight seizure).  It is very good exercise - you should try.  You maybe lose some weight.  Ok, Zat's all I wanted to say.  I'm sorry, I leave you alone.
• My husband is very particular about name.  In Russian - is Pyotr, but he wants that people call him Petya.  Petya is good Jewish name.  Husband is Jewish, not Russian.  And definitely not Peter! Ok, Zat's all I wanted to say.  I'm sorry, I leave you alone.
• Sorry, just one more thing! I have two hobbies.  I like to cook, and I like to clean! And sometimes to sew.  You see my dress?  I sewed this.  Look at good stitches on inside! (she turns up the hem and shows me the stitching).  Ok, Zat's all I wanted to say.  I'm sorry, I leave you alone.

This is why I don't work at home anymore.