Rubbing it in

I just wanted you all to know.

At the time of this writing, Weather.com says that Philadelphia will be 51 degrees and raining.

"And I still have to drive through Philly Traffic!"

And while it's a short week, and everyone's excited for the wonderful turkey explosion that will likely occur in your oven, you can't help the fact that it's cold.  And rainy.  And because of the cold, your joints are probably hurting.  Also, it's flu season, so you could very well be getting sick.  Oh, and don't forget all those presents you'll have to buy all your friends and family, draining your budget for people you love, yes, but don't lie.  There's probably some people on your list that you can't stand. 

There's an NBA lockout, so you can't watch basketball.  And there's nothing good on TV because it's Thanksgiving week and Jon Stewart and the entire cast of Parenthood/Modern Family took the week off. 

Nothing to do but sulk.

And think about how Bill and his entire family are here:

This reminds me of Wayne's World and the Star Trek Theme Song

trying to get some landing gear action while sipping a motha-fuckin' daiquiri. 

Sorry, everyone - I'm a little excited.

Deep Thoughts for a Friday

I've been thinking a lot recently.  So for this post, I plan on not thinking anything through at all.

So prepare thyself.

When I get rich and famous, I want to purchase a sports car that is capable of going three hundred miles an hour, but drive it always at 10 miles under the speed limit.  I also want to put in the back window a picture of a horse-butt, and on the side windows, a picture of horse-sides, so people will think there's a horse inside the car.

Why are picture frames rectangular?  Especially when camera lenses are typically circular?  Do you think it's because the rectangle was the conventional shape of printed material since the dawn of man?  Or was it because lobbyists for and supporters of circular paper couldn't get anyone on their.....side...?

If we could fly, would dogs still be man's best friend?  Perhaps we would choose something more agile, like a hawk.  Would seagulls then be like those yippy Jack Russells?  What would a crow be? In the same vein, do you think there's any similarity between the fact that dogs are canines, and the police have K-9 divisions?

Why isn't the giant slingshot a more acceptable form of transportation?  And don't say because it's dangerous, because goddamn it, we all need a little more danger in our lives.  Is there a worldwide shortage of rubber? If so, we can divert resources from the condom factories.  Why?  Like I said...we need more danger.

Why do we need to drink water if we produce saliva?  One time, when I was a lifeguard, I tried to collect all the saliva I produced during one shift.  As expected, it quickly became disgusting.

Is it even remotely possible that English and Australian people are faking their accents because they simply don't want to admit that America is awesome?  Does that even make sense?  No?  Well then, boomerang.

Why haven't we tamed deer?  It seems like they'd make pretty awesome steeds.  Or just simply pack animals.  Or even domestic pets.  You could use them to dry your laundry.

If the globe is warming, and people in the tropics cannot survive the deadly heat, they will likely migrate north.  If they do this, then the increased population density will cause temperatures in those regions to go up. After all, when you watch alpine climbing movies, everyone huddles together for warmth.  My solution?  Giant refrigerators.  Stuff people in refrigerators to bring down their body temperature.  To zero.

Ok, I'm turning my brain back on now. I refuse to go back and re-read what I've written because it's likely 90% gobble-dee-gook.  So enjoy, and happy Friday.

Fun with Malapropisms: the Eye Doctor

Did I ever tell you about the time when I crushed that standardized test?  No?  Probably because it's EVERY time.

Unhyperbolic examples: I walked into my SATs when I was in high school stoned, drunk, hungover and missing two limbs, and guaranteed my simultaneous entrance into Oxford and Harvard.  I took the GMAT with my eyes closed and both hands tied behind my back (they grew back in college) and got a score an Asian father would be proud of.  For shits and giggles, I took the LSAT, and John Grisham wrote me a letter asking me to work for him as his mentor.

Basically, I'm an amazing test taker. 

So I wasn't at all afraid when my wife insisted that we went to go take the eye exam yesterday. Because it was my first eye exam ever, I have to admit, I was kind of nervous.  I memorized all the letters in the alphabet ahead of time, just in case my amazing test taking skills failed me. 

And to be sure - I destroyed the eye exam.  I listed every letter I knew, and the doctor seemed pretty impressed.  Then she put this crazy metal Optimus Prime mask over my face, and asked me repeatedly which number I liked better, 1 or 2.  I don't really understand why she asked the same stupid question over and over.  Especially when everyone knows I only like even numbers. 

But my poor wife didn't study hard enough and had trouble with the letters V and Y.  and also O and D.  It would probably have been easier for her if she were to be asked about the Cyrillic alphabet, I imagine.  She got an A, though apparently, in the Eye Exam world, A stands for Astigmatism.  Strange though, how a Jewish girl can get Jesus Sores.  Or even how an eye exam can determine if you're going to get those sores. 

I guess it's why I'm not an ornithologist. 

History Lesson

It's time for this week's thoroughly researched and historically accurate (and, as usual for this blog, not ignorant what-so-ever) history lesson.

Why, you ask?  A couple reasons.  First - whatevuh - I do wut I want. Second - history can be awesome if you focus your attention on tanks and away from boring stuff like facts.  And third, which is probably most important, have you ever spoken to a Russian about World War 2?  Apparently, they won the pants off of it.

I know what you're thinking - America won WW2.  And it did - there's no question about it.  It's written in all the best history books and in all websites that I chose to read.  And it's logical too.  America = Good.  Nazis = Bad.  Soviets = not as bad as Nazis, but still - they're not America, so pretty bad.  And Good beats Bad all the time.  Except when you take into account Dark Helmet's wise words that Evil will always triumph because Good is dumb.


But those crazy Russians will fight you to the death when you present them with hard facts about the amazing successes of America during the Second World War.  Facts like:

• We dropped two atomic bombs, forcing the surrender of one of the axis powers.
• Without our participation in the invasion of Normandy, the Allies would not have been able to begin moving East, retaking Europe as they went.
• We achieved air superiority with the involvement of planes like the B-17 Flying Fortress and the P-51 Mustang.
• Our tanks, like the Sherman, could beat the pants off most German tanks (except those which were so badass that nothing could stop them except a lack of fuel or money to produce them (Tiger 2's)).  
• Psh, We're Americans, and we win EVERYthing.

 It seems like sometimes, they forget that they had the Japanese knocking on their backdoors (which perhaps the Russians might have even enjoyed), and we took care of them in like a week and a half.  Whereas the Russian strategy for fighting the Germans consisted of nothing more than, "Aie! Ze Germanz! Vee mahst rrun avay!"  Then, according to the plan of Sir Robin of Monty Python, the Germans became so confused by their running away that the Russians could strike at Stalingrad, when the Germans least expected it.


Also?  The Soviet T-34 tank was like trying to fight a giant ogre-dragon hybrid while using a pencil as a sword and an Altoid tin for a shield.

And if that's not the best evidence that America won WW2, I don't know what is.