something worth clearing up

The word "Dork" apparently does not mean "whale penis".  Don't ask me why, or from where, but I always thought this was the case.

I can't find a single source verifying this fact. If anyone can, please direct me thither. 

In other news - Look outside tonight.  The moon is in Perigee.

11:30 on a Friday night

Nine months and eight weeks ago, my wife and i would be spending our time at 11:30pm on a Friday partying.  now, she is seated next to me while "pumping in style" with medela.  Sammy is already in bed, and is getting ready as I'm typing to wake up in an uncontrollable fit of hunger.  And I'm torn between being supportive to my wife and staying awake with her while her eyes bulge slightly every time the pump's diaphragm contracts and going "all for one", leaving out the second part of the phrase, and passing out.

Sammy just sighed.  the hairs on the back of my neck just froze for a second.  I feel like he can sense that i'm typing about him.  maybe it's just the sleep deprivation though.

This every two hours gig used to be cute.  I'm just excited that he's almost two months, which means he's almost half-way to being legally allowed to be fed semi-solid foods, which will in turn lengthen his sleeping schedule to longer than a time period measurable in blinks.

Though it is super cute to watch him yawn.  besides smiling, yawning is probably the biggest heart melter.

in slightly other news, but still related, every time i think of Schwarzenegger all buffed out and roided up as such:

and his famously and tritely repeated phrase "Pump You Up!" i will forever imagine Arnold strapped with one of these:

Really? This is something we're doing?

One of the greatest things about living with someone who grew up in a different culture is they bring along all of their absolutely insane cultural quirks.  I've lived with my wife for about five years, and I've learned to deal with more than a few ridiculous quotidian practices that are steeped in the superstitious, or just backwards culture.

• We are not to whistle in the house.  This is quite possibly the most heavily enforced rule in our relationship.  Cleanliness, fidelity, or honor could all fall by the wayside, as long as no one was whistling in the house.  Apparently, committing this heinous act means that the family will not have any money.  More specifically, that you will frivolously spend all of your excess cash and not be able to save.  It is also the most broken rule.  I love to sing/hum and dance around the house, but I can't reach the really high notes in a lot of songs, and don't feel like starting over in a lower key. So I substitute whistling for voice.  (note: we have trouble saving)
• We are to completely overhaul the house at the most inopportune times.  More than once, dinner has been served, we are ready to sit down to eat, and she demands that the pantry be reorganized.  I don't believe this is a cultural thing, but it is probably the most annoying idiosyncrasy besides the whistling. It is routine that on a Saturday morning, before anyone is allowed coffee or breakfast, mopping must be done.
• Do not sit on the corner of a table, only at the side.  This was probably the craziest thing I had ever heard, and thankfully, it only applied before we were married.  Apparently, this would prevent you from being able to get married.  All old maids and bachelors had fallen victim to sitting so that the plane of one of the ends of a table intersected their body.  Thankfully, this is no longer a concern for her.
• We are not to go back into a house to retrieve something we've forgotten if we've already left.  So if you forgot your car keys once you've stepped out of your house, you're walking.  Thankfully, there is one saving grace.  The bravest among you CAN go back inside, provided you look at yourself in a mirror and say, "Hello".  This one is not a joke.
• Just before leaving on a long trip, everyone must sit down and be absolutely silent for around ten seconds.  Don't ask me why, because I never did.  In addition, the people whose house you left are not allowed to take out their trash until you call to let them know you made it home safely.  Hopefully, it's not a long trip.
• When someone is taking a test, we must think bad thoughts about them.  This is counter-intuitive, but it has to do with spirits.  Bad spirits need to be distracted, and it seems that the best way to do that is to badmouth someone you love.
• This one is probably my favorite. When you make a large purchase, you must be the one to purchase a bottle of vodka to celebrate with friends and family.  It's more along the lines of etiquette rather than superstition, but still a fun one.  Whenever vodka is involved, I'm on board.  

The only reason the man on the floor will not be married: bad seating choice

Reversing from the Previous tone

I figured I didn't want to end the week in such a negative way, and considering I still have some time left before I'm out of here for the weekend, I wanted to share the best picture ever:

This is one of Sammy's first smiles.  He's done it before, but this is (I think at least) the first time we've captured it on camera.

And then there's this one:

That's the two of us being awesome, something we're fond of.

My wife: also being awesome.

Sometimes, I can't believe how lucky the three of us are to be so loved.

I want to have a snuggle sandwich with both of them.

Friday afternoon Blabber

So, I've got one more hour before the end of work, and today's an especially slow day.  So I figured I'd kill time by blabbering exactly ABOUT my work so as to feel at least somewhat productive. 

The office in which is work is a rather large corner office on the 7th floor of a building in a suburban Philadelphian landscape.  My two gigantic walls face away from downtown, so that in the distance, all i see are remote radio towers and the occasional church steeple.  It's really a beautiful view.

I moved up here from the third floor, which has a markedly less amazing office feel.  The third floor is structured like an assembly line, where men with advanced degrees and IQ's in the quadruple digits rub up against each other and occasionally smell each other's armpits....by accident?  who knows.

I was sad at first to move away from the action like that, but once i saw the office i was moving into, i was extremely happy, especially because i only shared it with one other guy, and he was an alright guy.  We got along, and even joked around a bit before he announced to me that he was leaving the company.  I felt a little sad.

Then, the greatest thing in the world occurred to me.  I would have the entire office to myself.  100 square feet (i have no idea if that's accurate) of corner office all to myself.  I was living the dream.

UNTIL..........After three or so months of bliss, my boss decided that we couldn't do the job man-down, and hired a new person.  A female.  Someone wholesome and genuine and family oriented and a mother of two who is happily married.  UGH.  What did I do to deserve this???  She came into MY office and sat down and immediately started chatting with me about all her wholesome, genuine, and awful stuff.  No more jokes, no more pessimistic sarcasm, or witty repartee.

Just, "guess what happened to me at church last Tuesday night."

all the while, I'm thinking..."you go to church Tuesday night?" 

Her 'funny story' revolves around someone in her church group who 'comically' brought the wrong dish to their meeting, and how they all broke down into 'hysterical laughter' because of the ensuing 'chaos'.  My fingers are tired from all the 'air quotes'.

Now, if she were a normal person, I would have followed that up with a silly comment like, "well, that's it, she's cut off.  God won't let her in if she can't get his order at the restaurant correct".  But I had to be nice, and say, "Oh Brother! What a saucy situation!" or something like that.  I suppressed that memory even though it happened maybe two days ago.


And i think the worst thing about it is that she hums.  All.  Day.  Long.

I just wish one day, she were to look over at me, and say something like, "You know what, I hate the British." or "breakfast cereals", or "ceremonial headdresses" or anything that would strike up a good cynical conversation.  I've certainly made my effort of telling her how EVERYTHING is awesome.  the least she could do is reciprocate.

New Discovery

I've always been a fan of Wikipedia.  Ever since I found it, I wanted to learn about everything in the world, and I routinely use Wikipedia's Random Article feature, and then walk around in the archives like I'm in the Louvre, browsing the articles like they're fine pieces of art to be appreciated.  I'll find ones I enjoy reading about, usually about literature, authors, the lives of people in ancient times (or rather history) and geography.  Notice the link for Geography was to Lahore, a personal favorite because it sounds like Pepe Le Pew finally got fed up with the cat he was chasing and started calling her names.

I've fallen so deeply in love with Wikipedia that I started to find myself going from String Theory to Einstein to Munich then to Weisswurst, Parsley, and finally ending on Old English.

Then, I sit back and look at the path I've just taken with satisfaction.

It's not unlike the path your brain takes when you're in one of those moods where your brain function goes a million miles a second, and you realize that in the middle of a conversation with someone they triggered a chain reaction of tangents that lead you from your present conversation about Libya, to Back to the Future, Christopher Lloyd, Modern Family (even though it's a different Christopher Lloyd), and Sofia Vergara's breasts. (didn't know her name...how'd i figure it out?  .....Wikipedia!)

Maybe it's just because I'm a guy, but most of the tangents I go on usually end up somewhere in the breast-al region.

Back to more civilized things...


So the point of this is that I recently began trying to challenge myself by coming up with two of the most incredibly distant topics and seeing how few steps it would take me to bridge the gap between the two.  For example, I'd go with the Laws of thermodynamics and Lady Gaga. (i can only get 8 jumps between the two - it's a hard one).  And then i thought that I was some kind of pioneer, playing with Wikipedia as if I were a geeky Lewis and Clark.

Then I found the Wikipedia Game.  And it was a weird combination of excitement and disappointment, because I was excited to not have to come up with random pages to jump between, but i was disappointed because someone else had thought of it first.  Also, i guess i didn't realize how frequently religion came up in these sorts of things until the game created a sub-game called "5 Clicks to Jesus".  I can routinely get under 4 clicks.

Long story short - this could be the best discovery I've ever come across on the web, and I've been on here all day racing around going between pages like Joseph Kennedy and Gene.  ONE DOWNSIDE - you're timed on the website - so you are encouraged to click around like an idiot, and you don't get the chance to read the pages you're coming across, which, in my humble opinion, is one of the great aspects of going between the different pages.

Try it out!

One month in

So, Sammy, the recently-born member of my family, just passed his 1 month "birthday".  There was no celebration, but I think my wife and I both sighed a bit to realize that we're doing something right, because he's still somehow alive.

However, there were some interesting highlights of the past month.  Most notable was the increasing amount of goo flowing out of every one of our son's holes.  It's like he's got a sphincter problem of the mouth.  And when it comes out, it's half digested, warm milk mixed with stomach acid and bile, which i don't think could smell any worse.  i was actually more worried smell-wise about the southern hemisphere than the northern, but this was a new discovery, i think, for all of us.

especially because when he spits up, he looks around like, "whoa...WTF was that..." all wide eyed.  the great part about it is though, that he also sports a blue steel face at the same time.  sort of a mix between

and

Then he proceeds to fall fast asleep despite the smell.  and i feel like saying to him, "look, I'm not sure if you're aware, but you smell like a soup of both ass and puke put on a rolling boil" but I know he won't listen.  He's too stubborn. 

He's also got this delightful way of "discovering" that he's smiling.  There won't be much going on, and he's just sort of sitting there looking around, searching for...something to throw up on (?) and right away there will be this facial contortion that somehow falls upon an almost random series of muscle contractions resulting almost certainly without intent in a smile.

And it's the most glorious thing you've ever seen.  Having your son smile at you is probably the best feeling you could ever have, because you know that you're able to bestow happiness on someone that has been so unresponsive to your attempts at entertaining, calming, or even just keeping awake.  Those very, very few smiles he manages are worth every second.

Until...

He realized he did something out of the ordinary, because everyone around him erupts in outrageous laughter and glee, and he's uncomfortable with everyone's happiness and descends into a fit of crying until his wail-hole is plugged by a pacifier.