ATTENTION: WORLD

I normally don't follow celebrities.  I think it's a giant waste of time worrying about people you'll never meet, or will never have an effect on your life.

BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.  Why?  Because it shows a couple very important things that I've been pounding the table about for as long as I had fists.

So, what's the impetus for all this fluff'n stuff?  Justin Bieber has finally admitted the obvious: he wears women's pants.

"They're comfortable," he said. "I like the way that they feel around my ankles when I sit down to pee," he continued.  Ok, I'll admit he only said the first thing. But he was thinking the second thing.

What's wrong with this is that there is a giant shift in what's sexy these days, and I'm not happy about it.  It used to be that guys like this were swooned over.

Arnold ripped this tree out of the ground.  Chainsaws are for wusses.

This dude, while a bit of a tool, is definitely hoss.

May as well be "Huge Jacked-up-man"

I know some people will be like, wait, what about Ryan Reynolds?  Chicks dig him, right?

His face says, "I like dudes" but his body says, "Shut up, face"

He doesn't count.  He married Scarlett Johansson and couldn't make it work.  You lose, buddy.

Moving on, I'm finding that it's guys like this who are becoming much more mainstream for women to swoon over.

Yes, this is a guy.  Google Bill Kaulitz, but be prepared to cry first.

This dude, Bieber, the super skinny and pale dude from twilight, Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, even Usher and JT.  All dudes that shop in the women's section.  Though JT is pretty awesome and can do pretty much whatever he wants.  I'm ok with JT.

Ok, I get the whole, "I want to look androgynous and woman-y to either make a statement, or be weird" thing that celebrities often do.  Boy George.  David Bowie.  Ernest Hemingway.  But seriously, does this sort of thing appeal to women?

I was always of the opinion that while, yes, we live in a time when physical prowess means little in the way of being able to protect your loved ones from the random attacking puma/ocelot, women still enjoy feeling that a man could protect her in some situation of hypothetical grave danger.  It's sexist, yes, I confess.  But when there's a saber-tooth tiger chasing you, you likely want a guy who will wrestle that stupid cat down and wear its teeth as a hat.  Something like what 50 cent would do.

Bullet holes?  Or Saber tooth tiger tusk puncture wounds?  You decide.

And while I'm married, and no longer in the market for super hot chicks (I got mine already), this shift of the male physique definitely still has an effect on my daily life.

For example, when I was much younger, I did some next-level bodybuilding.  Thus, I've still got the same frame, though without the same level of physique.  So when I walk into any store with cool clothes, say - H&M for example (but it really is just about every other store), I will try on a shirt. I'll pick up a large, because, well, I'm a big dude.  When I put a large shirt on, I expect it to either fit perfectly, or be too effing big.

Not at H&M.  Whenever I'm there trying to put on an extra-super large shirt, I feel like I'm this guy:



LARGE SHIRTS BARELY FIT ME.  They apparently cut the shirts super tight in the chest and arms so big dudes like me can't wear anything but trash bag clothes.

This is why  I'm opening up a store for real men.  And I'm calling it H,B&M "Hoss Badass Mothafuckas".  And there will be an entrance requirement.  You can't come in unless you can bench your own weight.  And the store will be filled with shirts that have regularly sized arm holes.  And other things, like a steak bar.  It's like a salad bar, but only with steak.  And a lion will guard the register - you have to get past the lion to checkout.  Also? Complimentary protein shakes.  I'll also have to work in arm-wrestling somewhere in there too.

What do you think?  Viable business model?  Whatever, I'll "crush" the competition.  Sorry, I'm even a little embarrassed about that terrible joke.

So anyway, what does "sexy" mean anymore?  Is it about primal subconscious concerns about protection, like in the cases of the big dudes above?  Is it about beauty and sensitivity, like in the cases of the woman-y men previously mentioned?  Or is it about something completely different?  like, say, intelligence or personality?

HAHA - ok, now that we've gotten that joke out there, we can all agree it's not about either of those.