Thursday, September 15, 2011


I normally don't follow celebrities.  I think it's a giant waste of time worrying about people you'll never meet, or will never have an effect on your life.

BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.  Why?  Because it shows a couple very important things that I've been pounding the table about for as long as I had fists.

So, what's the impetus for all this fluff'n stuff?  Justin Bieber has finally admitted the obvious: he wears women's pants.

"They're comfortable," he said. "I like the way that they feel around my ankles when I sit down to pee," he continued.  Ok, I'll admit he only said the first thing. But he was thinking the second thing.

What's wrong with this is that there is a giant shift in what's sexy these days, and I'm not happy about it.  It used to be that guys like this were swooned over.

Arnold ripped this tree out of the ground.  Chainsaws are for wusses.

This dude, while a bit of a tool, is definitely hoss.

May as well be "Huge Jacked-up-man"

I know some people will be like, wait, what about Ryan Reynolds?  Chicks dig him, right?

His face says, "I like dudes" but his body says, "Shut up, face"

He doesn't count.  He married Scarlett Johansson and couldn't make it work.  You lose, buddy.

Moving on, I'm finding that it's guys like this who are becoming much more mainstream for women to swoon over.

Yes, this is a guy.  Google Bill Kaulitz, but be prepared to cry first.
This dude, Bieber, the super skinny and pale dude from twilight, Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, even Usher and JT.  All dudes that shop in the women's section.  Though JT is pretty awesome and can do pretty much whatever he wants.  I'm ok with JT.

Ok, I get the whole, "I want to look androgynous and woman-y to either make a statement, or be weird" thing that celebrities often do.  Boy George.  David Bowie.  Ernest Hemingway.  But seriously, does this sort of thing appeal to women?

I was always of the opinion that while, yes, we live in a time when physical prowess means little in the way of being able to protect your loved ones from the random attacking puma/ocelot, women still enjoy feeling that a man could protect her in some situation of hypothetical grave danger.  It's sexist, yes, I confess.  But when there's a saber-tooth tiger chasing you, you likely want a guy who will wrestle that stupid cat down and wear its teeth as a hat.  Something like what 50 cent would do.

Bullet holes?  Or Saber tooth tiger tusk puncture wounds?  You decide.
And while I'm married, and no longer in the market for super hot chicks (I got mine already), this shift of the male physique definitely still has an effect on my daily life.

For example, when I was much younger, I did some next-level bodybuilding.  Thus, I've still got the same frame, though without the same level of physique.  So when I walk into any store with cool clothes, say - H&M for example (but it really is just about every other store), I will try on a shirt. I'll pick up a large, because, well, I'm a big dude.  When I put a large shirt on, I expect it to either fit perfectly, or be too effing big.

Not at H&M.  Whenever I'm there trying to put on an extra-super large shirt, I feel like I'm this guy:

LARGE SHIRTS BARELY FIT ME.  They apparently cut the shirts super tight in the chest and arms so big dudes like me can't wear anything but trash bag clothes.

This is why  I'm opening up a store for real men.  And I'm calling it H,B&M "Hoss Badass Mothafuckas".  And there will be an entrance requirement.  You can't come in unless you can bench your own weight.  And the store will be filled with shirts that have regularly sized arm holes.  And other things, like a steak bar.  It's like a salad bar, but only with steak.  And a lion will guard the register - you have to get past the lion to checkout.  Also? Complimentary protein shakes.  I'll also have to work in arm-wrestling somewhere in there too.

What do you think?  Viable business model?  Whatever, I'll "crush" the competition.  Sorry, I'm even a little embarrassed about that terrible joke.

So anyway, what does "sexy" mean anymore?  Is it about primal subconscious concerns about protection, like in the cases of the big dudes above?  Is it about beauty and sensitivity, like in the cases of the woman-y men previously mentioned?  Or is it about something completely different?  like, say, intelligence or personality?

HAHA - ok, now that we've gotten that joke out there, we can all agree it's not about either of those.


  1. I like the idea of your HB&M store. There are enough women in this world acting and looking like women. Is it too much to ask for men to just look like men?

  2. I might have laughed out loud at the Bieber "pants around the ankles" line.

    Anyway. I can't stand these androgynous mf'ers anymore. I have no love for any of the woman-y men you mention or any others. No love at all.

    Don't forget to add a section to your store for the bigger guys like my husband, who I'm sure would spend too much time at the steak bar to even shop for clothes, but you never know.

  3. I once had a boyfriend who was very skinny and from New Zealand. He wore women's jeans. I really disliked that at the time because it was weird. Now, I have been known to pull on a pair of my husband's jeans once in a while. I have to cinch the waist in with a belt, and they are big on me, but not too long, so I wear them. (Usually I wear my own, but this is in situations when I might not have brought casual enough clothing for what we are going to do.) I don't think that's weird of me. But my husband would never wear anything of mine. No matter what. My husband Alex is very non-macho, but he is actually a tough guy. He's just sort of stealth about it.

  4. I'm convinced that Justin Bieber is slowly morphing into Hilary Swank. They look nearly identical.

    Also, on behalf of my female brethren, I would just like to say thank you for posting shirtless pics of Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds in one post.

    Although I do love me some JT.

  5. I like that my men to look like they can take a punch. I mean, you KNOW I could take Bieber in a fight.

    Maybe not Johnny Depp though. I bet he's wily. So, while I don't find girly men attractive, I give Depp a general pass in life.

  6. I agree with KLZ...Depp gets a pass in life. I think 90% of women could take on Bieber. I think most women like the manly men and not the metro "I might break a nail" guy...maybe they go for the vulnerability these guys ooze? That whole broken bird thing?

  7. I always have to make the distinction between XL & XXL at stores. It blows. When I'm looking at cycling clothing, since the vast majority of "the good stuff" is made in Italy and, as such, subject to "European sizing," I have to order a 6XL. And, even then, I can barely get the spandex to fit over my thighs.

  8. Yes, thank you for the pics of Hugh Jackman. I will freely admit that apparently I am a sexist woman. I like my men big and muscular. I married my husband for this reason. It comes in handy since I am *sometimes* a bit mouthy and when a guy starts getting beligerent with me because, say, I call him a name for stepping on my foot and crushing me, etc. I know my man has my back. Actually, it turns into me standing behing him while he tells said man not to mess with his (me!!) wife. I've seen men larger in height than him back off. That's hoooot.

    Anyway, we are convinced this new sizing is because men don't exercise as much anymore so therefore don't have the man pecks and beefy arms to fill in a shirt right without it being shaped weird.

    Yes, I like my men on the "H, B & M" side for sure. I'd have to hold my husband back from shopping daily at your store.

  9. Justin Bieber wears women's pants?? WOW that's a hell of a piece of news!!!! I found it rather useless and unimportant, I do not care that wanna-be-a-man wears or not wears


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