Monday, July 25, 2011

10 ways to NOT FALL ASLEEP

This week, Sammy will be six months old.  Yip-a-dee doo dah - it's exciting and all, but he still can't figure out how to sleep.  On Saturday, he went an hour and fifteen minutes from the time I put him in his crib until he finally passed out.  I seriously don't get it.  If I were in a room with a thousand gyrating people, and a giant Rhinoceros were to be doing the can-can while someone hit me in the face with a fly-swatter every thirty seconds while tiny leprechauns were to tickle my feet, I'd STILL be able to fall asleep in under 10 minutes.
I blame it on my wife.  Before we had Sammy, she always needed to chat for at least 45 minutes before going to bed, otherwise she'd stay up until 2 in the morning bored and unable to fall asleep.  Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with her, either.

So what follows is the 10-step-process by which Sammy goes through falling asleep every night, without fail. 

1.  Close my eyes?  That doesn't seem right.  Are you sure?  Get the instruction book again.

2.  Can I fall asleep like THIS? (rolls over on stomach and looks up at me)

3.  How about like THIS? (rolls to his back but flips legs up on side of crib)

4.  Hold on, do I need to have my eyes closed?  I keep forgetting that part

5.  How about if I were to try to stick my entire fist in my mouth?  Is that sleeping?

6.  I don't want my pacifier in my mouth! (Take it out and throws it across the crib).  I hate this thing!


8.  I need my blankey!  Oh, and the eyes gotta be closed!

9.  Pacifier, dad!  Let's have it!

10.  Oh....hey, uh...I gotta start all over.

Seriously, what's wrong with him.  You don't need a degree from an Ivy league school in order to figure out how to sleep.  Just close your eyes and let it happen! 

I am almost willing to be that my wife secretly slips him cocaine and meth just before bedtime solely so that Sammy can give me troubles when I'm putting him to bed.  Totally sounds like something she'd do.  Actually, I AM willing to bet.  Any takers?


  1. the struggle with the pacifier and the epic ending. Are you not linking this one up with Stasha?

  2. We bought a video monitor because Luke is starting to be more mobile and is moving around a lot, and my husband is afraid he will fall out and we won't know it. So just watching him is hilarious. He moves around SO MUCH and never wakes up. I'm sorry he's having a time -- Once he figures it out, it'll be all good. We had to stop the nighttime feedings all together for him to finally get it, but now he sleeps 8:30 to 6:30 or 7 every night. It's pretty phenomenal, now Mama just needs to figure out how to go to bed earlier. Sending sleepytime thoughts to your big boy :)

  3. I'm sorry! I have 2 serious sleepers. Granted, the younger one *thinks* she can con me with her games, but I think it's easier to stand firm when it's not your first kid. Good luck!

  4. Oh Bill, he is funny, so maybe, just maybe he takes after you as much as he takes after your wife.
    When he is old like us, he will love to sleep. Until then he is making sure you appreciate the two hours a night you get.
    for the record, I have heard of people who sleep with their eyes open. I think.

  5. hehe, i enjoyed this list. brings back a lot of memories from not that long ago. :)

  6. Your post is exactly the type of stuff that make me think Baby Ambien is a viable business strategy.

  7. My son needs to play, talk, throw his blanket off his bad 10000 times, assault his toy tiger, run around on his bed and roll around - before he sleeps. Usually takes 45 minutes to an hour. Definitely does NOT take after me.

  8. Too funny and so, so very relatable!

  9. Yes, I too can totally relate, though it's been a couple of years. We were told to use Gin. We resisted the temptation - how saintly are we?

  10. If you think it's bad now, wait until the toddler stage. My 2 yo just fell asleep at 11:30pm. And that is fairly early for her. Not fun.

  11. Routine helps but Alex is stilly an iffy sleeper. I largely ignore it at this point but...yeah it still kind of sucks. I get it though, I was a shitty sleeper myself...until I had a kid to tire me out.

    Although I tossed and turned from 2-4 am last night so I guess I should shut up.


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