This week, Sammy will be six months old. Yip-a-dee doo dah - it's exciting and all, but he still can't figure out how to sleep. On Saturday, he went an hour and fifteen minutes from the time I put him in his crib until he finally passed out. I seriously don't get it. If I were in a room with a thousand gyrating people, and a giant Rhinoceros were to be doing the can-can while someone hit me in the face with a fly-swatter every thirty seconds while tiny leprechauns were to tickle my feet, I'd STILL be able to fall asleep in under 10 minutes.
I blame it on my wife. Before we had Sammy, she always needed to chat for at least 45 minutes before going to bed, otherwise she'd stay up until 2 in the morning bored and unable to fall asleep. Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with her, either.
So what follows is the 10-step-process by which Sammy goes through falling asleep every night, without fail.
1. Close my eyes? That doesn't seem right. Are you sure? Get the instruction book again.
2. Can I fall asleep like THIS? (rolls over on stomach and looks up at me)
3. How about like THIS? (rolls to his back but flips legs up on side of crib)
4. Hold on, do I need to have my eyes closed? I keep forgetting that part
5. How about if I were to try to stick my entire fist in my mouth? Is that sleeping?
6. I don't want my pacifier in my mouth! (Take it out and throws it across the crib). I hate this thing!
7. WHERE IS MY PACIFIER?!?
8. I need my blankey! Oh, and the eyes gotta be closed!
9. Pacifier, dad! Let's have it!
10. Oh....hey, uh...I pooped...you gotta start all over.
Seriously, what's wrong with him. You don't need a degree from an Ivy league school in order to figure out how to sleep. Just close your eyes and let it happen!
I am almost willing to be that my wife secretly slips him cocaine and meth just before bedtime solely so that Sammy can give me troubles when I'm putting him to bed. Totally sounds like something she'd do. Actually, I AM willing to bet. Any takers?