Tuesday, July 5, 2011

How to Make Money, Influence People, and Relieve Yourself in Public

So last week, I mentioned hummus and its detrimental effects on the human digestive system.  What follows is a post which I feel adequately describes the proper way to utilize basic psychology and leverages dominant ideologies to properly relieve the growing strain hummus an other bean related culinary delicacies can put on your lower internal organs.

OOo! You Wascaly Wabbit!

Say you're just leaving La Chinchilla. You enjoyed your bean burrito, topped with guac, sour cream, and a healthy portion of beans of the Pinto Persuasion.  You're now in the car, on your way to go see your favorite melodramatic Wagner opera with anti-Semitic overtones and a heavy dependence on leitmotifs. You get out of the car, and you're in your best outfit, walking towards the ticket counter with your wife/husband in tow when you feel like those pintos were really Mexican Jumping Beans, and they're now playing a melodramatic "La Cucaracha" in your belly with anti-intestinal overtones and a heavy dependence on methane.

You stand in line and wonder how close the bathroom is where polite people drop their beats, but you're running late, and need to get tickets, otherwise you'll have to break out your Galilean telescope just to see which overweight viking goddess is singing more atonally than the others.

So what should you do?

Let the cat out of the bag! 

"Oh, why would you suggest something so impolite", you ask? "Did your mother raise you in a barn?" 

This would be a perfect time to "Git r done"

Yes, thank you for asking, but I'm not sure of the connection between a good old fashioned barn-raising and blowing the big brown horn.  I mean, Amish are some of the most honest and hard working people out there, and I'm almost POSITIVE they don't get down with the tootin' tuba.

If you're a dude, the chances of being pinned as the gas-passer in a crowd is almost nil.  What will likely happen is most guys that are standing in line will be more worried about their wives hassling them about being obnoxious wind-bags than using their heightened sense of directional nose-smelling for figuring you as the deliverer of gaseous intestinal by-products.  And your own wife?  If you play it right, you can convince her that it was one of the other pigs that are standing in line (or on your own kid! <--reason # 396 to have a child).

If you're a lady, no one will EVER suspect it's you.  Even your own husband, or children standing right next to you will likely first blame everyone else before first thinking that it could be their sweet, adorable, wife/mother. You could toot your own horn all night if you'd like with no fear of repercussion. 

Unfortunately, this powerful tool of cognitive psychology can only be used sparingly.  I've overused it, and now my wife essentially always knows that it's me when we're in a crowded area, and I choose the nuclear option.  So learn from my mistakes!

Or, alternatively, you could just be a polite person and head for the facilities, but what's the fun in that?  It's like trying out your new sports car - you want to see how much you can get away with before the cops stop you.


  1. only a man would write this up. And only us ladies are pretending not to laugh.

  2. I like how you totally overintellectualized farting in public.

    Can I share that my husband has taken to either passing gas or making the sounds with his mouth and yelling "Kasia! How could you?" and walking away quickly before I can properly beat him and causing me to turn red in the face and be stared at by strangers who then walk away as well? And how my older daughter will join in, yelling "Mommy! That is NOT ladylike!" fully convinced it was me. (Reason #365 and 367 why NOT to have kids or get married lol)

    Btw, if beans do that to you, they weren't cooked properly. They should be soaked in hot water for an hour, then the water drained, replaced with clean water and cooked until soft, skimming off the foam, and adding a few caraway seeds to the dish, removing the cause of bean gas. Yeah, I know you didn't need to know that but here you go anyway.

    "Beans beans they're good for your heart, the more you eat...."


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