Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Fun with Malapropisms: the Eye Doctor

Did I ever tell you about the time when I crushed that standardized test?  No?  Probably because it's EVERY time.

Unhyperbolic examples: I walked into my SATs when I was in high school stoned, drunk, hungover and missing two limbs, and guaranteed my simultaneous entrance into Oxford and Harvard.  I took the GMAT with my eyes closed and both hands tied behind my back (they grew back in college) and got a score an Asian father would be proud of.  For shits and giggles, I took the LSAT, and John Grisham wrote me a letter asking me to work for him as his mentor.

Basically, I'm an amazing test taker. 

So I wasn't at all afraid when my wife insisted that we went to go take the eye exam yesterday. Because it was my first eye exam ever, I have to admit, I was kind of nervous.  I memorized all the letters in the alphabet ahead of time, just in case my amazing test taking skills failed me. 

And to be sure - I destroyed the eye exam.  I listed every letter I knew, and the doctor seemed pretty impressed.  Then she put this crazy metal Optimus Prime mask over my face, and asked me repeatedly which number I liked better, 1 or 2.  I don't really understand why she asked the same stupid question over and over.  Especially when everyone knows I only like even numbers. 

But my poor wife didn't study hard enough and had trouble with the letters V and Y.  and also O and D.  It would probably have been easier for her if she were to be asked about the Cyrillic alphabet, I imagine.  She got an A, though apparently, in the Eye Exam world, A stands for Astigmatism.  Strange though, how a Jewish girl can get Jesus Sores.  Or even how an eye exam can determine if you're going to get those sores. 

I guess it's why I'm not an ornithologist. 


  1. This was the first time for you guys getting an eye exam? Welcome to the fun world of ophthamology! Or rather, ornithology. Tweet.
    -Vicki, member since 3rd grade

  2. You Bill are hilarious. That is all.

  3. *snort* this is fantastic. Slow clap for you, my friend.

  4. If only she had studied harder - I mean, I'm pretty competitive, so I would have, if only so I could do my touchdown dance in the weird chair.

  5. Did the G and the H throw her, too? We have big problems with those two in this house -- it's always gamburgers, Garrison Ford, Gary Potter...


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