Thursday, July 14, 2011

History Lesson

It's time for this week's thoroughly researched and historically accurate (and, as usual for this blog, not ignorant what-so-ever) history lesson.

Why, you ask?  A couple reasons.  First - whatevuh - I do wut I want. Second - history can be awesome if you focus your attention on tanks and away from boring stuff like facts.  And third, which is probably most important, have you ever spoken to a Russian about World War 2?  Apparently, they won the pants off of it.

I know what you're thinking - America won WW2.  And it did - there's no question about it.  It's written in all the best history books and in all websites that I chose to read.  And it's logical too.  America = Good.  Nazis = Bad.  Soviets = not as bad as Nazis, but still - they're not America, so pretty bad.  And Good beats Bad all the time.  Except when you take into account Dark Helmet's wise words that Evil will always triumph because Good is dumb.

But those crazy Russians will fight you to the death when you present them with hard facts about the amazing successes of America during the Second World War.  Facts like:

  • We dropped two atomic bombs, forcing the surrender of one of the axis powers.
  • Without our participation in the invasion of Normandy, the Allies would not have been able to begin moving East, retaking Europe as they went.
  • We achieved air superiority with the involvement of planes like the B-17 Flying Fortress and the P-51 Mustang.
  • Our tanks, like the Sherman, could beat the pants off most German tanks (except those which were so badass that nothing could stop them except a lack of fuel or money to produce them (Tiger 2's)).  
  • Psh, We're Americans, and we win EVERYthing.
 It seems like sometimes, they forget that they had the Japanese knocking on their backdoors (which perhaps the Russians might have even enjoyed), and we took care of them in like a week and a half.  Whereas the Russian strategy for fighting the Germans consisted of nothing more than, "Aie! Ze Germanz! Vee mahst rrun avay!"  Then, according to the plan of Sir Robin of Monty Python, the Germans became so confused by their running away that the Russians could strike at Stalingrad, when the Germans least expected it.

Also?  The Soviet T-34 tank was like trying to fight a giant ogre-dragon hybrid while using a pencil as a sword and an Altoid tin for a shield.

And if that's not the best evidence that America won WW2, I don't know what is.  


  1. Let's see...who do I think won the war?

    Was it a hard-working Russian soldier who's going to shoot some Germans, even if he has to use a shovel to beat them to death because Stalin is melting all the weaponry? (Tagline: "A shovel-best friend of a soldier.") and also will shoot him if he begins to retreat and also his wife just cheated on him with his parapalegic friend Styepa but goddamnit he's not going to let those Nazi bastards burn down his komunalka?

    OR some ahole that could REALLY use a Coke right about now? With some ice? And maybe another cloth to wipe his forehead because it's a little hot over here in France?

  2. Ouch! Have you had your wife read it? because we russians don't like it when you americans parade your ignorance using our soft spots!
    Ok, i know, you're joking. and i know you americans hepled us a lot in the WW2 (as europeans did too) and for that we're grateful. but it's our land that was invaded by those cruel animals, and it were our solgiers that stopped them.
    and when we speak of the WW2 you can't divide the victory between nations. as you wrote it, it was about good guys against bad guys. and good guys (all of them together, including americans, australians, englishman, soviet people and many others) won.
    usually your posts are funny, but todays one - not so much. you're being ignorant and rude today.

    sorry for the rant, but it hurts to read those things you wrote, you know.

  3. I am glad I stopped by here and got my history lesson.

    Silly Russians, don't they know that TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE is the best?

  4. I like to think of it as nobody won, it's just the ones who say they did are the ones who didn't have the war on their own soil. I lost a lot of family in WWII, both by the hands of the Nazis and the Soviets. And in my eyes, WWII didn't end until Poland and all the countries in the Eastern Bloc were finally independant, that is to say in the late 1980's into today. I think it's safe to say that for many Europeans, it's a fresh wound.

    To be honest though (I hate that phrase), this sounds like something my hubby would say ;)

    And that when you google WWII facts, if you are American, basically this tends to be what you find, as google directs you to sites it "thinks" you were looking for, instead of a broad spectrum of results (and therefor, perspectives/facts/languages, etc.).

  5. I don't know, you have a point, but I agree with Vera and Polish Mama too. Your post upset me a little - my grandma volunteered, and she was only 16 (went through the war as a nurse). Luckily for me, she survived, but a lot of people did not. I guess, I am a wee bit sensitive to the topic...

  6. Dude! Deliberate ignorance might be a tag of this post, but... We lost close to 40 million people in the war. Of course this is a sensitive subject. Russia was part of the allies. Stalin might have been an ass and devil incarnate himself, but he was part of Big Three. But maybe that is not in the American History books?!


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