Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Apocalyptic Dreams

Ever since I can remember, I've dreamed of of wandering off into the woods with only a knife and my wits and figuring out if I can survive.  Kind of like Robinson Crusoe, but on purpose.  And without an anthropomorphic volleyball.

But now that I've got a wife and kids, that dream of awesomeness has been kind of hampered by this whole...silly having a family thing.

But it does bring to life another aspect of that same Neanderthal-ian gene.  Take, for example, this report I recently read that the IEA put out which says that the world will end in a fiery blaze of hell, complete with skyscraper tsunamis, devastating hurricanes, paralyzing droughts and flash floods that mysteriously appear without any rain at all. 

Because of this report, I've been having nightmares about these sorts of things.  Terrible apocalyptic situations where neighbors turn against each other a la Busta Rhymes' Extinction Level Event Intro.  Just last night I had one about a horrible hurricane that leveled all of Philadelphia, leaving everyone in its wake dead, and those who were trying to get out on the terribly constructed roads got stuck and ended up killing each other for supplies.  Might make the mayor think about investing in some infrastructure, yeah?

So, with that, I've decided on a plan.  Well, it's not really a plan yet, but it's a plan to MAKE a plan.  I'm researching and making a list of proper things to fit in a bug out bag.  Item I'm most excited about getting in the mail?  The KA-BAR.  Item I'm least excited about?  The field medical stapler.

But I think there's a little bit of a difference in that purposeful jaunt into the woods to prove my own manhood to myself and these apocalyptic visions I've been having.  Obviously, there's the whole...everyone's dead sort of thing.  But there's also the possibility that in a real disaster event when people revert to animal-form and start hoarding resources and raiding each other for water, you're going to be forced to defend yourself and your family.

Now, I've never been in a fight.  Not a real one, I mean.  Of course, I've wrestled around with my buddies and my brother, but I've never been in a fight born out of anger and desperation.  And while I'm super excited about wielding a giant knife like Steven Seagal, I'm worried that I wouldn't be able to "take the necessary steps to protect my family".  I put that in quotes because I didn't want to say "kill someone".  I think I'm just excited about wielding a giant knife because I grew up on Steven Seagal, Arnold, and Jackie Chan.  But if the chips were down, I don't know that I could shoot someone in the face.

I asked my wife last night if she thought she could, thinking that coming from a different culture and being female might make a difference.  She told me that if she were faced with an intruder who was going to hurt her or Sammy, she'd shoot, no problem.

But then she said, "I wouldn't want to hit him in the face though, because that'd be a mess I wouldn't want to clean up.  I'd just fire wildly around him."

I imagine I'd be able to shoot someone in the leg or arm or something, but that's not a guarantee that you're going to stop someone who wants your last scraps of food from taking them.  While I'm writing this, I'm going back to that scene from American History X where Edward Norton curb-stomps that guy for breaking into his house.

Talk about anger and desperation

Walking off into the woods for a month with just a knife, I'd probably be able to survive off berries and the occasional squirrel (though I would HATE to clean and gut an animal).  But given an apocalyptic situation?  I guess I've gotta get used to the idea that I'm gonna have to cut a bitch.  But then there's the fear that what if I'm OK with it?  What if I blow off some guy's jaw and take his food, and then I'm just like, "sweet, who's next?"  And then I start this massive warlord scheme where I'm like Tony Montana or Eko from Lost killing people without even thinking twice.

See?  I worry about these things.  What about you?


  1. Ever since Mr. B scared me in the attic, I've been having kind of a PTSD where I always try to find the closest weapon to me. For example, if I'm on the second floor laundry room and I hear a noise on the third floor, I think about how long it will take for the iron to heat up, or whether I could clock someone in the face with a cold iron.

    When he went away on business for four days, it was the most terrible four days of my life because I was constantly terrified someone was invading the house, so I slept with nailclippers on my nightstand and a tomato knife under the bed.

    Whether I could actually use these in an apocalyptic situation remains to be seen.
    I'm not so much afraid of the apocalypse as I am afraid that I'll wind up someplace without cash and all I have is debit card.

    These are just some things on my mind.

  2. You are making me very, very nervous. Because you've basically confirmed that all my apocalyptic fears could actually come to pass. And I know I shouldn't click on that IEA report, but I will.

  3. Take an AK 47 with you. Much more effective than a knife even in untrained hands.I live near San Francisco, where earthquakes happen, and tsunami's are always possible. I don't worry about it though.

    When I worried about "home safety" when when I had small kids and I wasn't married. I sat in the hall way of our home night after night, armed with a butcher knife and the lights blazing all over the house. I also put chairs in living room with bedrolls and hats to look like men sitting in chairs from the shadows out side. (My neighbors probably assumed I was running a little brothel after the divorce.)

  4. I'm half-convinced that I'd be ok in the woods for awhile . . . until I realize that I wouldn't be able to look up how to do shit on my iPhone.

    As someone who has, actually, been in a fight - you're better off.

  5. nice post dear blogger


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