Friday, November 18, 2011

A Post Involving Star Wars References and Vodka - Win

In the near or distant past or future we may or may not be going on a business or pleasure trip to a land either very far away or extremely close (problem, potential house robbers?).

And, oh my god, let me tell you how awful it is to pack for said trip.  Ready?  Commence whining.

You never realize how much stuff you need for a child until you're trying to pack it into one suitcase.  We've been packing for 3 days (or rather, we had been packing or will be packing) prior to our departure.  And just for feeding the little Sarlacc we've spawned, we're probably using up a good 900 pounds of our 50 pound per suitcase limit (by the way, thanks for that awesome aspect of flying, airline industry).  And because he constantly throws up on himself, or pees everywhere, or has explosive, projectile poop making for a deadly gauntlet of fecal matter, we need to bring 7000 changes of clothes for him, just for the week (or day, or three months - insert anti-Joe Pesci vagueness here) that we're going to be gone.  We mitigated the feeding issue a little bit through the purchase of a Magic Bullet, vigorously endorsed by our insane nanny (who, by the way, apparently has been enlisted to act as a cosmic counterbalance to all people who do not like talking).  However, I'm not entirely convinced TSA won't think this is some kind of terrorist item and force us to part with what our nanny has dubbed "the manifestation of freedom in America". 

We pre-checked in for the flight, and dropped $100 just for the luggage (without it even being weighed).  I'm still having trouble sitting down from the experience.  I'm excited for that moment in the airport where we're hastily rearranging our underwear to get under that ridiculous 50 pound limit.

But, to be honest, I'm slightly excited, because I've been given a mission: figure out a way to pour out the water from a water bottle and fill it back up with vodka without opening the top.  Why?  Two reasons.  First, I don't know if you knew this, but I'll be traveling with Russians.  They like vodka, and they don't like paying $10 a shot for it.  And when I say "They", I really mean "I".  And reason #2?  It's like I'm an awesome 1920's gangster, trying to smuggle alcohol.  It's a ridiculously cool feeling.  I just want to see if I can do it.

I figured out a few possibilities: remove the label, cut a tiny hole underneath where the label was, pour in the vodka through a paper funnel, put clear duct tape over the hole, and replace the label.  This only works half way, and looks like crap.  Or, poke a tiny hole in the cap and do essentially the same thing.  This works slightly better, but the problem could be if the rent-a-cops at the entrance decide to investigate even remotely, it's easy to see that hole, and the smell of vodka is pretty potent.

The last resort, I think, would be to wear loose sweatpants and stuff water bottles into socks underneath the sweatpants.  They just ask you to remove items from your pockets, not to take off all your clothes.

I'll let you know how that goes (or went).  But in the meantime, Enjoy your Thanksgiving!  I've scheduled a few filler posts to provide your daily dose of Borscht during the time we may or may not be gone or here. 

Until then!  or'll never know!


  1. Take the vodka in the breastmilk that you smuggle with you the plane. Win-win: breastmilk is a carry-on, you spend less money, you get hammered, and baby get some sleep. I'm not a consultant for nothing.

  2. I'm thinking the underpants smuggle is your best bet - as long as you don't get pulled aside for the old full body scan!

  3. Bite the bullet. Spring the the $$$ for the vodka. It's not worth getting into a hassle with the TSA. That might end up with you missing a flight, not being in a good mood, and Darling Offspring having the emotional trauma of seeing Dad hauled off in handcuffs. Have a lovely Thanksgiving wherever you may or may not be going.

  4. Just a word of warning on the latter approach - if you end up with one of those full body scans, it's very obvious that you're trying to carry on liquids, and then the bad men with the rubber gloves come & take you to the back room.

    Could you possibly take the label approach, but with a hypodermic needle? It'd be a pain in the ass to get the bottle filled, but you should be able to fill it to the top.

    All of that said, though, you do NOT want to end up on "the list" of people who try to sneak stuff past TSA. Chances are you'd only have a minor hand-slap this time . . . but, every time you go through security, they'd know you. And make things difficult.


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