Monday, November 7, 2011

Christmas Gift Ideas for the Awesome

I just looked at the calendar.  In case you weren't aware,


And you know how after Thanksgiving, it seems like Christmas jumps up almost immediately on your face and gives you a surprise dry humping?  Especially because once you have all that turkey, you feel all sleepy and you have to hibernate for the rest of the Thanksgiving weekend?  It's like a tinsel-laden, anima-tronic, wrapping paper ambush to the groin.

So, because I'm such a nice guy, I want to do you a favor.  I have been working tirelessly to gather up a list of the most amazing gifts to get for any dude in your life (including/especially me). 

And if you've been reading this blog long enough, you will have already guessed my first gift recommendation.

It's the absolutely frightening-looking, large enough to put in the back of a pickup and fight the Libyan Loyalists, Nerf Vulcan Cannon.

Making a war face: you're doing it wrong.
Seriously, any guy who gets one of these will be like warm butter in your hands.  If you like that sort of thing.  Sounds drippy and gross smelling to me.  Better that it would be warm butter in a proper dish for serving melted butter like a small bowl.  Can you imagine how bad your hands will smell the rest of the day?  Ok, moving on.

The second thing you're probably expecting me to promote?  Nunchucks.

no caption needed.

Or any sweet ninja weapon for that matter.  A Sai, a Bo, Katana blades...well, that's all I know about ninja weapons.  Thanks TMNT.  Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any damage the recipient of this gift causes inside your house, or to his own body.  This is mainly the reason I have not purchased nunchucks for myself yet: I plan on having more children.  ALTERNATIVE VASECTOMY METHOD FTW.

Third suggestion?  A sledgehammer.

Trust me, that's a happy-dude face, thanks to his sledgehammer
Like nunchucks, I use a sledgehammer to serve as a proxy for awesome man tools like hatchets, butcher knives, axes, post-hole diggers, brick chisels and camouflage snuggies

Next up?  Earth: the series.

95% of the proceeds go to the marketing people for the amazing and original title
One time, I was at the dentist and they had this playing on their HD TV in the waiting room.  It was at the part of the series when they were interviewing some rabbits or something about how much they like to rustle around in the scrub brush, and I was so absolutely amazed and entranced with these stupid rabbits that I never wanted to leave that dentist's office even with all of the drilling and screaming that was going on in the back of the office.  When I came out from the back, after having the dentist confirm that my teeth were the most amazing teeth he's ever seen, I stuck around and watch the part about the manatees.

And the final suggestion that I have for people looking to buy their husbands, boyfriends, sons, and really, really cool girl family members something really super awesome is this: the Orion SkyQuest XX14i Dobsonian Telescope.
99 problems and a Zenithal Hole is one.

Lightweight, portable, and it even comes with a stool, a blanket and a few hand to hand weapons so that when you're sitting out in the middle of a field at midnight totally alone (don't kid yourself - if you're buying this, you're totally alone), you'll have some way to defend yourself against the freezing cold and bears.  I remember those great father/son moments my dad and I had when we would go out in the back with our telescope, try and track down the red supergiant Betelgeuse with a telescope that didn't have equatorial tracking, and be utterly silent for hours on end (talking disturbs the majesty of the universe, and walking around disturbs the alignment of the telescope's mirrors) while we both froze nearly to death.  Family friendly, AND teaches you about both the stars and natural selection!

So there you have it folks, five of the greatest gifts you can get me...I mean, your significant other or child to make this Christmas (or New Years for you Russians) the best they've had yet.


  1. You absolutely crack me up! To add to the discussion, the butter would take a lot of washing with strong sope to get off the hands. You are right - better to have a nice bowl full of melted butter. The devil is always in the details, isn't he?

  2. There is a man in my life that is also very strongly interested in a telescope. Good thing you're getting one so now I can just send him over to your house!

  3. I actually own a set of nunchucks - I used to study Kung Fu, and they were required . . . I actually got half-decent with them (meaning that I only hit myself in the head one out of 10 times I used them)

  4. You lost me at telescope.

    I have no interest in knowing what's in space until it eventually attacks us. I'll deal with it then - until that day, I'd rather not theorize.

  5. I love telescopes! And I would love Planet Earth too. We already have the Walther PPK, the 357 Magnum, the Beretta, the 44, the 12 gauge, the assault rifle and the rocket launcher and grenades. We don't need any more weaponry. (I was kidding about the last two items.) All of these are locked in the gun safe. For home protection, I prefer the organic 90 pound Harry, 80 pound Honey, and 50 pound Zoe, all pit bull mixes. I'd like a 50 pound bag of kibble for Christmas. Thank you.


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.