This was me yesterday on my way to work:
Which is why I didn't post anything.
The reason? Sammy is being a ridiculous person, and the wife is following suit.
You see, we've had him sleeping in our room ever since the beginning of time. Never in our bed, but always in his crib/bassinet. But when we first started out, we could play the bagpipes, throw tambourines at each other, and play the penis game but with megaphones. Whatever we did, Sammy wouldn't wake up.
But now, his highness needs absolute quiet in order to sleep soundly. And you know what? I DON'T MIND. He's a baby, and that's what they do/need.
But you know what I DO mind? His sleeping in our bedroom. Or let me be more clear: my wife's insistence on his sleeping in our bedroom. And the fact that no matter how quiet I am, she still yells at me to be quieter. So what follows is a plea to her - to get her to agree to move him into his own room, down the hall.
Reason #1: The following is a list of things that make sounds in the bedroom with very little perturbation (yes, that's a word) and there's nothing to do about it: The door hinges, the creaky floor, the creaky bed slats, the clanky curtain shades, the bathroom faucet, the toilet, the drawer sets, the closet, the clothes in the closet, your slippers, the computers as we're going to bed, the door to the bathroom, the alarm clock in the morning, the beeping of the bottle warmer.
Reason #2: When you shush me to be quiet, you actually are louder than anything I've done to provoke said shushing.
Reason #3: I almost guarantee that he'll sleep better in another room where I won't be constantly trying to fairy-flit around like giant 200+ pound tinkerbell/ballerina in boxer briefs.
Reason #4: I almost guarantee that WE'LL sleep better not having to constantly shush each other.
Reason #5: If WE sleep better, we'll be happier, and I'll be able to pour more effort into this blog, which will garner attention from large bigwigs, who will want to sign me up to write the next great American novel which will bring in gazillions of dollars which we will use to buy lots of really sweet nerf guns.
And, because I was always taught to weigh the counter arguments:
Counterargument #1: But he's too little!
Reality: Psh, he's got adult sized poops. That's the only metric I go by.
Counterargument #2: But the room isn't ready yet! There are no cute animal stickers on the wall!
Reality: Amazon has 2-day shipping for a reason. Problem solved.
Counterargument #3: But I'll miss him!
Reality: if, in the middle of the night, you miss him so terribly, I won't have any problem with you going down the hall to kiss him and hug him and rub his face with your face as much as you want. No problem at all.
Counterargument #4: But what if he gets up 9 times a night like he is now?
Reality: Ok, this is really the only legitimate argument. I still maintain that he's getting up solely because he's we're making sounds in the room that are above 0.001 decibel. Or because he's teething and grumpy. We could do a trial period. Three nights. Two to get over sleeping in a new place, and one just for good luck.
Counterargument #4b: Yeah? and Who's going to get up to take care of him?
Reality: If we do it over the weekend, and I'm allowed to take unlimited (or just one) naps during the daytime, I'll take the brunt of the workload. Just to prove a point. If I'm wrong, we'll bring him right back and wait until he's a year and I'll be completely silent about it. And I'll work on levitation.
Please, people, send some support for the cause in the comments! She reads all of them!