Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A Balanced Approach to Kicking Sammy Out

This was me yesterday on my way to work:

Which is why I didn't post anything.

The reason?  Sammy is being a ridiculous person, and the wife is following suit. 

You see, we've had him sleeping in our room ever since the beginning of time.  Never in our bed, but always in his crib/bassinet.  But when we first started out, we could play the bagpipes, throw tambourines at each other, and play the penis game but with megaphones.  Whatever we did, Sammy wouldn't wake up.

But now, his highness needs absolute quiet in order to sleep soundly.  And you know what?  I DON'T MIND.  He's a baby, and that's what they do/need. 

But you know what I DO mind?  His sleeping in our bedroom.  Or let me be more clear: my wife's insistence on his sleeping in our bedroom.  And the fact that no matter how quiet I am, she still yells at me to be quieter.  So what follows is a plea to her - to get her to agree to move him into his own room, down the hall. 

Reason #1: The following is a list of things that make sounds in the bedroom with very little perturbation (yes, that's a word) and there's nothing to do about it:  The door hinges, the creaky floor, the creaky bed slats, the clanky curtain shades, the bathroom faucet, the toilet, the drawer sets, the closet, the clothes in the closet, your slippers, the computers as we're going to bed, the door to the bathroom, the alarm clock in the morning, the beeping of the bottle warmer.

Reason #2: When you shush me to be quiet, you actually are louder than anything I've done to provoke said shushing.

Reason #3: I almost guarantee that he'll sleep better in another room where I won't be constantly trying to fairy-flit around like giant 200+ pound tinkerbell/ballerina in boxer briefs. 

Reason #4: I almost guarantee that WE'LL sleep better not having to constantly shush each other. 

Reason #5: If WE sleep better, we'll be happier, and I'll be able to pour more effort into this blog, which will garner attention from large bigwigs, who will want to sign me up to write the next great American novel which will bring in gazillions of dollars which we will use to buy lots of really sweet nerf guns.

And, because I was always taught to weigh the counter arguments:

Counterargument #1: But he's too little!
     Reality: Psh, he's got adult sized poops.  That's the only metric I go by.

Counterargument #2: But the room isn't ready yet! There are no cute animal stickers on the wall!
     Reality: Amazon has 2-day shipping for a reason.  Problem solved.

Counterargument #3: But I'll miss him! 
     Reality: if, in the middle of the night, you miss him so terribly, I won't have any problem with you going down the hall to kiss him and hug him and rub his face with your face as much as you want.  No problem at all.

Counterargument #4: But what if he gets up 9 times a night like he is now?
     Reality: Ok, this is really the only legitimate argument.  I still maintain that he's getting up solely because he's we're making sounds in the room that are above 0.001 decibel.  Or because he's teething and grumpy.  We could do a trial period.  Three nights.  Two to get over sleeping in a new place, and one just for good luck. 

Counterargument #4b: Yeah?  and Who's going to get up to take care of him?
     Reality: If we do it over the weekend, and I'm allowed to take unlimited (or just one) naps during the daytime, I'll take the brunt of the workload.  Just to prove a point.  If I'm wrong, we'll bring him right back and wait until he's a year and I'll be completely silent about it.  And I'll work on levitation.

Please, people, send some support for the cause in the comments!  She reads all of them!


  1. Oh Bill. My poor husband had the same argument. For EIGHTEEN long months, we had the child in our room.

    Enough is enough he said!!

    We moved the boy to his own room and the following happened:

    1. Father + son got more time together since dad puts him down for naps and bedtime (I couldn't do it as the boy will insist I climb into bed with him).

    2. The boy stopped waking up as much as there was no Mama to pat him back to sleep. Dad was there to do so, and I guess Dad's method of soothing (you, go back to sleep, pat pat, leave) is less appealing.

    3. After 2 weeks, he started sleeping through the night which he'd never done before.

    4. Mama is in a much better mood these days as Mama finally gets enough sleep!

    And I like that you offered to take the brunt of the workload, just like my husband did, and it worked. Also? If you wait longer, it'd get harder.

    Tell your wife, from another mother, give it a shot. Really. I wish we'd done it sooner. Like a year sooner.

    Good luck!

  2. I agree with Alison. Do it. For your sanity. Listen, it's not easy...not at all. Luke went into his own room at 4/5 months. We were keeping him up with our noise, and plus I was really tried of dealing with the tiptoeing around. He needed more consistency. He needed a sleep environment that was HIS. It actually was hard bc we stopped swaddling and put him in his crib the same week....and guess what? We let him cry a little. Of course, we went in to check him but within 3 days he started sleeping through the night. We recently had another issue of him sleeping through the night bc around 8 months he'll get a bout of separation anxiety and want to see you, but we nipped that in the bud, too. It's not perfect every night, but I promise...PROMISE...it is for the best. Kudos to you for stepping up to help. I had the same fears she did, but ultimately it's not that far of a walk to tend to him...plus, when he's in his own room you can talk to each other before you go to sleep and not have to whisper. Try it, the worse that can happen is that he needs to come back in (but I doubt that's going to be the case)

  3. I think you know my situation - I have two kids under two. We realized, once we brought the kids home, that the only way things would work is if the newborn slept in bed with us. With the heathen getting up every few hours, this allowed us to keep our sanity - we put formula on ice next to the bed, and once the kid started to chirp, we start the bottle warmer and start feeding the kid, until the kid fell back asleep.

    For each kid, we did this for about 6 months. Now, the kids are share a nursery, and we keep milk on ice by the bed. Once either kid wakes up, we go to get said child and bring them into bed with us, where we give him or her milk until he or she falls back asleep. They almost always spend the rest of the night in bed with us (because taking the kid back runs the risk of me stubbing my toe and dropping the child, which I wouldn't realize I've done because, holy ow, does stubbing your toe hurt, and I'm completely useless when I'm first awake)

    So, I'm really not sure if any of this will help you - but there's my plan for trying to get some sleep. It doesn't work.

  4. He absolutely will not do all the work. And if he does his "nap" the next day will leave you alone with q crabby baby all day. Plus he's o ly agreeing to it for one night.

    That said - he's going to leave eventually and you will always miss him when he does. Better now than when he can cry "mama" and really break your heart. Plus, being better rested yourself will work wonders.

    What I'm saying is: it needs to be done eventually. It will always be hard but it's for a gOod cause. Do it when you're ready - which hopefully will be before he talks because it's way harder then.

  5. I kicked my son out at around 3 months. That meant I went to his bedroom every two hours for feeding but that's OK. In return, we never had any troubles with his sleep time.
    Saying that I am in the middle of the worst cold any human had and due to my severe cough I have been asked to sleep in the guest bedroom while my son and husband are hogging my bed. Karmic retribution is a b#*ch.

  6. Wow i have never see someone so... lazy in my life, but well thanks for share all this reasons but i guess that i just need one, i don't wanna do it haha


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