Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Funnel Cake Saga...Part One

My wife has many, many wonderful qualities.  What follows is not a discussion of one of them.  I would like to tell you a story about what happened during our trip to the beach.  And yes, there are lots of adorably cute pictures of Sammy in a diaper and an awesome safari hat with his feet stuck into the sand.  But the story is much more important.

This is like Porn to my wife
My wife has a terrible obsession with funnel cake.  So when we went to the beach, she had been preparing me for a couple weeks about how it was my responsibility as a husband to go into the wilderness and hunt and kill for her a cake of the funnel variety and bring it back to the cave so as to provide for my family.  I informed her that it was not the Mesozoic, and, in fact, that since she makes more money than me (it's a temporary issue, I'm sure) - she was quite capable of purchasing her own stupid cake.  Then, I peacefully agreed to get her a funnel cake, but only after a gentle jab in the ribs from my better half.

We were walking down the boardwalk, and figured we had about two hours before Sammy needed to sleep, so we could walk down the boardwalk for an hour and turn around, which would work out perfectly.  She knew of a funnel cake place exactly an hour out, so that would be our turnaround place.  (aside: how does one "know of a funnel cake place"?  don't they just appear out of the ether?  It's not like they're in the yellowbook or anything).

We had a magnificent walk, enjoying the sights, and laughing pleasantly watching Sammy interact with the bright new surroundings.

When we got to the funnel cake place, I got a table in the outdoor food court area.  The wife came over with the funnel cake, and sat across from me, obviously unsettled.  I asked what the issue was.  Her reply: Seagulls.  There must have been fifty of them all hanging out around this outdoor seating area.

"Braiiiiins!  But in a pinch, funnel cake will suffice"
"Seagulls?"  I replied, "Psh, they're weak!  There is no way those things will come over here.  And even if they do, I'll swat it with my fists of fury."

So.....The rest of the story pretty much writes itself.

She got freaked, and we got up to start walking to a less seagull-y area (she still hasn't had a piece of funnel cake yet).  I've got the funnel cake in my hands, when she says to me, "Honey dearest, please break a piece of the funnel cake off and hand it to me", to which I replied, "sure, my lovely sweet peach!"

And all of a sudden...BAM!  A seagull lands right on my head as I'm passing the piece to the wife.  Another one blind-sides me and knocks the funnel cake out of my hand.  The cake is lying helpless on the boardwalk (right-side up, thankfully), and my dear, loving, wife says to me, "What are you doing?!? Pick it up!!  It's funnel cake, for god's sake!" Thanks, love.  I'm beginning to see the list of priorities form in my wife's head.  #1: Sammy  #2: Funnel Cake  #3 Herself: and #238: My 26 year streak of no seagull bites.

At this point, there are four seagulls swarmed around the cake, and I've gotta live up to my "gonna smack'em" mantra I so stupidly asserted earlier in the evening.  I crack a couple across the beak with my sneakers and dive in for the cake.

When I've finally secured the funnel cake in hand, she says to me "Come on! to the hotel!!!"  And we dash off towards our hotel room where we're sure we won't be eaten alive by seagulls.  The seagulls follow us.  When they continue divebombing us, she then says, "What are you doing??  Walk with us, but far behind us!  but whatever you do, SAVE THE FUNNEL CAKE!"

My dear, dear wife.  I owe so much to you.  Namely, the seagull hickeys I've got now all over my body.

I didn't listen to my wife for the first time in a long while, and I sacrificed the funnel cake.  May it rest in peace.  Though likely it was ripped apart by a huge flock of seagulls and then subsequently passed through all of their digestive systems and launched back on the poor boardwalk goers.  That's what they get, I guess, for not helping us defend against seagull attack.

The story's not over, but that's enough for one post.  Until tomorrow!


  1. I laughed audibly. This is a really, really good post. Why not buy two funnel cakes to hedge the risk? Ah, right.

  2. This would have been my husband and I for either of the following: Funnel Cake (yes, I have the same obsession for this culinary delight) and Ocean Fries (namely, Thrasher's Fries with Old Bay Seasoning and Apple Vinegar, a LOT of it).

    I love animals and limit our meat intake even for them. I have even been known to break for a dog in exchange for being rear ended and not regretting my decision.

    But, I too would have beaten some seagulls for the funnel cake or my beloved Ocean Fries. And sacrificed my husband for the funnel cake. Sorry, Bill. And sorry to my husband.

    But few things bring me such pleasure in life. It's alright, though. My husband, after almost 14 years together, knows this and accepts it.

  3. That's pretty funny. Bummer that you lost the funnel cake. Sometimes seagulls can be very aggressive. Maybe next time you can get it in a to-go ongainer with a lid? Maybe in a bag? That way you could swing it around and use it as a club against the seagulls. That might be effective.

  4. Somehow I see you tracking back to secure more fennel cake in part two...

  5. Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

    This was so funny! 'Seagull-y' took the cake!!

  6. Well, i mean, funnel cakes are serious business! Can't believe the seagulls are so viscious...much more mild mannered down here in florida although lets be honest, seagulls are the rats of the air...and sea?

  7. Damn rats with wings.

    I'm sorry, but I'm literally laughing out loud at this misadventure.


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