Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Northeast Philly Guide to Coked-up Babysitters

I was downstairs this morning, getting tea and lunch and other miscellaneous things ready for the day when my babysitter came in. 

She burst into the kitchen, murmuring a hello to me in her thick Russian accent while she made a b-line straight for the broom and dustpan (which my wife calls the tree branch and scoop - not important to the story, but interesting aside).  She was blabbering the whole way about how it was not too hot, not too cold outside like a Russian Goldilocks, and asking me what Russian words were in English.

I wondered if she knew it was too early in the morning for a pop quiz.

She took the broom outside to sweep something up, brought it back inside and proceeded to go through the refrigerator, asking why we haven't eaten any of the food that is in there. 

"Zese Cherries, vhy haven't you eaten zem?"

"My wife takes them to work a little at a time - so we are eating them, just slowly."

"Zese veg-e-tables, vhy haven't you eaten zem?"

"We eat them for dinner...it's breakfast time.  We'll eat them when dinner time comes."

"Zis choco-lait cake, vhy haven't you eaten zis?"

I thought to myself that if Russian Jewish grandmothers were part of the Gestapo, this would be like what their interrogations would be like.

Then, when we left to go to work, she calls my wife, asking again why we haven't eaten the chocolate cake.  

She's almost 60, but she's seriously like a pre-teen girl on coke.  Her mouth does NOT stop.

A while ago, I worked from home.  It was during earnings season, so I was particularly busy with work.  Yet she came over about every thirty minutes telling me some random fact about her life.  For example:
  • I have daughter - she lives vit me, and I say to her - I say, "Gala! You need to learn how to cook like real woman!" Ok, Zat's all I wanted to say.  I'm sorry, I leave you alone.
  • Me and my daughter go to exercise class called 'Zumba'.  You know what is Zumba?  It is dancing.  (she dances around in a circle like she's having a slight seizure).  It is very good exercise - you should try.  You maybe lose some weight.  Ok, Zat's all I wanted to say.  I'm sorry, I leave you alone.
  • My husband is very particular about name.  In Russian - is Pyotr, but he wants that people call him Petya.  Petya is good Jewish name.  Husband is Jewish, not Russian.  And definitely not Peter! Ok, Zat's all I wanted to say.  I'm sorry, I leave you alone.
  • Sorry, just one more thing! I have two hobbies.  I like to cook, and I like to clean! And sometimes to sew.  You see my dress?  I sewed this.  Look at good stitches on inside! (she turns up the hem and shows me the stitching).  Ok, Zat's all I wanted to say.  I'm sorry, I leave you alone.
This is why I don't work at home anymore.


  1. Maybe she wanted to eat your chocolate cake,your cherries and vegetables?? She would freak if she came to my house and saw my refrigerator.

  2. Hahaha! She reminds me of a cleaning lady I used to hire to come clean weekly. I would try and stay out of her way, because she would not stop talking. And? She would stop work just to talk. I wish I wasn't so polite and told her to just shut up and clean, please!!

  3. She sounds awesome. In small doses. That i can read on your blog, not in my own home.

  4. Hahaha!!! Funny!!
    I love the accent and she's such a cute little old lady from the sounds of it. I actually like talking and listening to old people who aren't senile yet. Yes, I'm weird.

  5. She sounds perfect, send 'er over!

  6. Well, i mean...why havent you eaten the chocolate cake! ;)

  7. Just one thing: I have a hard time imagining "cleaning" as a hobby.

    Oh, and one more thing: "pre-teen on coke" is damn funny.

    Ok, that's it, I'll leave you be.

  8. I am dying over here. Dying.

    I miss NE Philly. I truly do. People just aren't as...interesting in S Jersey. Or not the same kind of interesting.

    That's all I wanted to say. I'll leave you alone.

    Oh, one more thing: I'd want to know why you hadn't eaten the chocolate cake, too.

  9. I found you b/c of Phase Three of Life, and this is hilarious. New reader here! ((waves))

  10. You are a funny dude. Surrounded by real characters...


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