Friday, August 12, 2011

The Funnel Cake Saga...Part Two

After the amazing display of undying love and affection for me that my wife showed when the seagulls attacked (that could be a sweet TV show), I was mostly just happy to be alive.  So I didn't think about the fact that she almost sacrificed me to the seagulls for funnel cake.  So, we continued down the boardwalk - chuckling to ourselves and forever gifted with the seagull story to laugh at and tell our grandchildren.  Yes, we are so boring that this is a "tell your grandkids" story.  If by "boring" you mean "awesome".

We knew of another funnel cake place that was a little close to the hotel, and I promised her I'd pick her up one when we passed by.  Only this time, we'd get it to go and in a paper bag so we could take it home and inside to eat.  Just in case there were any seagulls that were vigilantly determined to prevent any Funnel Cake enjoyment.  

Finally, once the revelry about being alive ended, we noticed there was a massive, mean looking cloud looming overhead.  This must have been the cloud that god had in mind when he designed the "Ominous" class of clouds.  It was pitch black, and rolled across the sky in a low flying billowing haste.   You could tell it was just waiting for you to get just far enough away from any real cover to start taking a giant, watery dump on your head.  

So we picked up the pace.  And not just a little bit, we were legitimately speed walking, Malcolm in the Middle style. I had my hips swaying and everything.  I think I even broke a sweat, though in the summertime, I can pretty much do that whenever.  Yes, even eating.

I was the red one, because come  Not a manly color.

I hatched a brilliant plan:  

I would go on ahead and channel my inner super-power-walker and order/pick up the funnel cake so that it would be ready by the time she came and met up with me.  She was pushing the stroller with Sammy in it (who was STILL having an awesome time and didn't know anything was up) so it was hard for her to go full speed.  

And everything was going to plan!  I got to the funnel cake distributor, slammed my fist on the table and eked out between deep pants of breath, "FUNNEL CAKE!"  And it was ready near instantaneously.  But then...we got a little off the boardwalk.  We were still about 3/4 of a mile away from our hotel, and the cloud must have known it.  He squeezed a little bit out just to mess with us.  Big. Effing. Drops.  But thankfully, it held off for about another five minutes.

Funnel cake in hand, we were speeding towards the hotel.  And we were about half a mile away.  We could see the hotel in the distance!!  And that's exactly when the cloud unleashed its full wrath on us.

The wife ducked into the awning of another hotel, just out of reach of the pounding rain.  I grabbed the funnel cake and like a badass, I told her to wait with Sammy and the stroller under the awning, and I'd come pick them up in the car.  The sky looked like it wasn't going to let up any time soon, and we didn't want to be hanging out on the boardwalk under an awning all night, and plus, I'm manly like that.  Takin' care of business.

Fast forward through the boring stuff, and once we finally got settled into the room, the coveted funnel cake was cold and soaking wet, and we threw out the entire thing without having a bite.

If my wife were a 3 year old boy, this would have been what she looked like

Now, there's no question in my mind: someone's looking over us.  And his/her sole interest is making sure my wife doesn't get funnel cake.


  1. That's sad! No funnel cake? Maybe you should have just shoveled it into your mouth before turning around. I know I would be crying like that kid if that happened to me.

    PS. Speed walking is actually an Olympic sport...keep it up!

  2. That's terrible! I'm weeping for your wife right now. Maybe you should have let her eat the funnel cake while waiting under the awning for you?

    Btw, the blue outfit looked manly to me. I mean, come on, hip sway and everything! ;)

  3. This whole saga sounds like it's straight-out-of-Punk'd. Did you look for Ashton Kutcher in the bushes? And, more importantly, does MTV now control both the birds & weather, so as to better make fun of people?

  4. Just got back from the shore and did some Wildwood boardwalk time -- you are luck to survive the gull dive-bombing, those things are kamikazes with feathers, have seen it first hand. I am very sorry to hear of the funnel cake debacle but consider myself enriched mightily by the image of you speed walking with the hip sway.

  5. Sometimes i always fall into my own mind thinking about this stuff, because is kind of funny when people do everything because they want something usually money but this is not the case, but is still funny.


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