Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Baba Nancy - the Jerk-Head Neighbor

My neighbor's name is Bob.  Actually, there are three Bobs that live adjacent to me, but I'm talking about this Bob in particular.  This Bob has a wife named Nancy.  And they are old enough to remember first-hand how the land my house occupies was once sold by the Chinnapewak tribe for the knowledge of how to do a proper Fresh Prince high five.

When we told my in-laws what the names of our neighbors were, we said, "Bob 'n Nancy", which they heard as "Baba Nancy", (loosely translated as Granny Nancy) to which they then asked, "Are they Russian"?  Silly Russians, always on the lookout for other Russians.  Thus, being surrounded by an army of Bobs, we refer to this particular Bob as Baba Nancy.

Baba Nancy is a kindly old man who has been retired from a steel mill, or logging company, or some other thing (I never actually asked) for around 300 years.  Being retired and having absolutely nothing to do any more with his life, he takes ri-DIC-ulous care of his yard.  I mean, meticulously pruning his rose bushes to the point of near perfection.  Actually, pruning is one of the most common things I see him doing out there.  Probably because of his love of all things prune. (ba-da-boom!)

This is all fine and dandy.  I enjoy having a neighbor who shares the same desire for a perfect backyard retreat.  And I was totally happy with him and his wife, and even brought over some delicious tomatoes last year as a metaphoric olive branch, signaling many years of peace and the sharing of delicious plant produce. 


We had an awning over one of our entry ways that was slightly loose. It was a tin piece of crap that was tacked on as an afterthought by the idiots who owned our house before us.  So naturally, since it was put up by idiots, it slowly began to fall off.  That looseness caused a noticeable tapping sound when the wind was strong, and since I was swamped in the one-half-trillion things I've got going on in my life, putting "making the incredibly infrequent tapping noise stop" at the very bottom of my list of priorities. 

So the nosy old geez-face climbed up a ladder while I was away at work one day and took the awning completely off.

Hey, jerk-head - maybe I liked the tapping noise!  Perhaps I was using it as a sound effect to sample on my newest hip hop record!  Maybe it was something of an experiment to see just how loose I could get it before it fell off!  I swear, the nerve of that guy!

It really hit a climax when he rang the doorbell at 10 at night, right after we got Sammy to bed.  He just wanted to tell us that we left the light in our car on.  Hey, bud - you leave our light alone!  What has it done to you that you've gotta go and tattle on it?  And now we've got a screaming baby on our hands.  Well done, Helpy Helperton!

Then there was the time he brought over presents for Sammy after hearing about his birth.  They were for 3-6 month old kids!  How very useful!  I sometimes buy clothes for myself that are way too effing big also!  This way, I'll seem that much skinnier!  Thanks!  You're like the NE Philly baby-oriented Tim Gunn!

I'm thinking of installing a moat.  At least it's the kind of intrusion prevention device that he can relate to.

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