Monday, May 16, 2011

The Wedding - a debriefing involving hatchets

Oh, how I've missed you, fellow bloggers and bloggettes.

I've realized with this week or so of absence that I've grown to really enjoy being involved, even remotely, in your lives.  Reading along with your daily or semi-daily posts has become a very welcome routine for me, and I'm like a 90 year old grandpa - I loves me my routine.  Example: I have to wake up at the same time every day, even if I'm not going to work - otherwise, my sleep pattern will be all out of whack.

So, speaking of something out of the 'bout that wedding, huh?  I think over the course of the three days  I was up there, I tweeted maybe...5 times?  It turns out that tweeting in the middle of the ceremony as the best man isn't exactly considered polite.  I HONESTLY didn't think of that when I was gearing up for the trip.  I thought I would sit through the entire ceremony and reception snickering to myself and delving into my iReporter fantasy by tweeting to you all constantly.

But, boy, it was a doosey. 

Here are a few highlights to make you jealous of our awesome time:
  • Driving in a two door coupe with a three month old exploding exactly at the wrong moment, forcing my wife to crawl over the seats in her beautiful new dress to change him in cramped spaces while the entire wedding was waiting for the best man (me) to show up. 
  • The bride's father commenting almost immediately upon meeting my father about how poorly my dad kept his yard.  My father, who spends tens of thousands of dollars a year on landscape design and work (and who is as explosive as my son, but just from the other end) actually handled it pretty well, despite displaying his chameleon-like ability to change facial colors at will.
  • My brother and the rest of the groomsmen getting tattoos on their inner hips that say, "Riot" - apparently from this one time when my brother said it at a wedding referencing "It's always sunny in Philadelphia", sending everyone into giggles.  I didn't get the joke, so I didn't get the tattoo.  Thank god.
  • My overly drunk and newly single aunt (there's always one) squealing at the top of her lungs any time one of my brother's military buddies said ANYTHING, yelling, "You can rescue me ANYTIME!!!"
  • The bride and groom entered the reception hall to the Star Wars opening credits theme song (probably my favorite part of the wedding altogether).

As an addendum, my b-day loot included a MacBook Pro - probably one of the sweetest gifts ever given, except for the super sweet hatchet that my wife got me.  It's got a badass leather case and everything.  That reminds me, I wanted to check the local laws to see if carrying a hatchet in public is legal.  And if it's not, I need to check on how much jailtime could I get carrying it.  You know, to weigh the risk/reward. 

The above is an image from here. I do not own the image, but I do own the hatchet, which, admittedly, is much more awesome than owning just the image.


  1. Boy, that must’ve been on hell of a wedding celebration!

  2. Uh, let's take bets on how long before someone is lasering that tattoo off their body

  3. There is nothing about this post that is not awesome. Now I honestly don't know which is better, Macbook or hatchet. Of course, if I show this to Mr. B he will want the gun he's been begging for for the past three years, and we will have an arms race on our hands.

  4. I can see a minivan in your future. With a hatchet compartment.


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