- I can parallel park like a mofo.
- I have seen ALL of Bruce Willis' films
- I don't like wearing chick-approved clothes.
- I know how to properly use an axe.
But I'm going to tell you something that goes against that badass, manly image. I'm deathly afraid of bugs. Not just any bugs, though most of them give me the shebee-dweebies. But, I'm deathly afraid of stinkbugs.
He wants your brains.
But I've got good reasons to be afraid of them! There are the obvious reasons: they're creepy looking, they smell awful when you squish them, they make a terrible swooping noise when they're flying (not unlike a dragon sound), and they're ugly.
When my wife (then girlfriend) were just out of college, we lived in a tiny crap-box apartment in Harrisburg, PA. We were paying like $0.25/square foot for a 500 square foot shed. And what made it all the more luxurious was every summer, in the beginning of August, stink bugs would literally TAKE OVER.
I'm not talking like, "ooo, a stinkbug, run and hide, and also please change my underwear!".
No. I'm saying that there were literally hundreds, and possibly a thousand plus of these miniature airborne skunks spraying their ass-juice on everything with a surface.
The final straw was when they had figured out how to get inside our dryer vent and, no joke, CLOGGED IT. There were so many stinkbugs lodged inside our bathroom (which is where our laundry room was also) that we couldn't turn on the dryer, due to the fact that there was a colony of these anally explosive mobile stink bombs living up there.
Kid - we could'a used you
We ended up quarantining off the bathroom and just using the outdoor facilities. Ok, that's not true, but we were definitely considering it.
So, I killed my first stinkbug of the season yesterday night. I'm hoping for two things, either this is just a fluke, and he is alone in the house, or that Moses is around here somewhere and I can gank his magic staff off him.