Charles Dickens - an explanation

Not too long ago, I briefly mentioned my hatred for Charles Dickens.  I feel like I need to explain. 

I have been told many, many, many times about how influential and monumental he was.  But you know what?  He published in serials.  You know who else "published in serials"?  John Wayne Gacy.  That's who.

Let me start my unsolicited complaining session with a block quote from one of Mr. Dick-ens' most famous and well-regarded novels.  Mind you, this is also one my wife consistently pushes for me to read.  Oliver Twist.  This was pulled from Project Gutenberg, the greatest and most worthy endeavor known to man.

Chapter I

Treats of the Place Where Oliver Twist Was Born and of the Circumstances Attending His Birth

Among other public buildings in a certain town, which for many reasons it will be prudent to refrain from mentioning and to which I will assign no fictitious name, there is one anciently common to most towns, great or small: to wit, a workhouse; and in this workhouse was born; on a day and date which I need not trouble myself to repeat, inasmuch as it can be of no possible consequence to the reader, in this stage of the business at all events; the item of morality whose name is prefixed to the head of this chapter.

Take that in.  You'll likely need about three or four times to read the entire passage through.

Notice also how it is ONLY ONE SENTENCE.  Wtf, Chuck?  You have every possible punctuation mark in there: the comma, the semi-colon, and, most likely your favorite, the *wink-wink* "colon" (let the pun seep in a sec).  Also notice how he doesn't say ANYTHING.  If I'm reading this in the 1830's - 1840's, I'm pissed off, cause you've just wasted 90% of my free time with your blabbering, and now I have to go work in the coal mines for a day and a half.  Sorry kids - can't kiss you good bye, you can thank Mr. Charles Dickens over there for stealing away your father's free time.

I've always been told in my writing, English, literature classes that the very first paragraph of your novel is supposed to be designed to get your reader hooked.  But after reading this, I'm already looking and saying...What?? how many pages are left?  Then I'm doing a double take at just how bloody long this bloody novel is.  Then I'm wondering if mass book burning would be OK if it were author-selective.

I will now rephrase it in real-person words.

Chapter One:

Where and How Oliver Twist Was Born

Common to every city, there was a workhouse.  And in one nondescript workhouse in one nondescript city, the eponymous character referenced by the title of this chapter was born.

BADA-BOOM.  Simple - straightforward, and you only have to read it once.  You even get the repetitive effect in the second sentence that metaphorically drives home how common the beginnings of Oliver Twist were. Not the most interesting of ways to lead into a novel, but that might just be the point.  Ok, I get that "the Chas-Dick" was paid by word, so there was incentive to blabber, but, I mean...come ON.  He sounds like a long-winded John Kerry. Or a hyperactive and under-confident valley girl telling you all the details they're NOT going to tell you about.  

Ok, so there's this guy, right? He's with this girl, but I can't tell you which girl he's with - not that it matters, because the story's not really about the girl, it's about the guy, and what the guy did with the girl.  Ok, so it's a little about the girl, but not enough that I have to tell you a lot about who she is or anythi...

I think you get the idea.

So, at risk of sounding like Charles Dickens, I think this post is long enough.