Monday, April 4, 2011

"I have one guy"

I know stereotypes are inappropriate, but my father in law is a mafia boss.

The first piece of evidence is that he looks like one.

Secondly, he almost never talks.  He says that men who talk too much are like women.  I'm not sure how he'd feel about this blog then.  I've gone to dinners with him where he won't speak all night.  Then the women will go to the bathroom, and it'll just be the two of us.  Thank god for internet on phones to divert the awkwardness.

But probably the most convincing reason I think my father in law is a mafia boss is this:  Recently, we were going through the house discussing all the different projects that need to be done - fix this lamp, stop the leaky sink, remove this, you know, blah, blah, blah.  If there was something that was too complicated for the two of us to get it done, he'd say, "I have one guy - get this done.  Very quick, very cheap." And he says it very off-the-cuff, like he says it all the time.  But his hand motion is what bothers me about it.  He makes a movement as if he's chopping someone's fingers off.  Again, very off-the-cuff, like he does it all the time.

Imagine now if we were not talking about the bathroom door, but about ordering a hit on someone.

"I have one guy - get this done.  Very quick, very cheap".

Sends shivers down my spine.

Tonight, for example, he is coming over to our place to speak with a contractor about getting some work done.  We have a couple of old, crappy sheds in the backyard that wild and crazy animals are now starting to populate rapidly.  So, we need a guy to come in and tear them down and remove the debris.  We got a quote last week from a guy that was just under $1000.

When we told the new guy that my father in law would be speaking with him, he said, "oh, then it won't be more than $250."

Fine and dandy - I could see contractor's quotes varying that much.  Sometimes, they try and gouge you.  But things get weird when you take into consideration my father in law has a "deal" with one of the local auto-mechanics.  I pay $10 cash for a full service oil change, and most low level maintenance is free.  I only pay for parts.

Honestly, I'm a little creeped out by it.  But my wallet's not.


  1. Beware of Russian contractors. Even worse than the Russian mafia.

  2. Listen, if your wallet is happy, I wouldn't question it.

  3. All parent in law's are creepy. The law of the nature, they were created to be feared. At least yours saves you money.

  4. There is ALWAYS a guy. Whether the guy has oh I don't know, work papers or a plumbing license, is entirely another question.

  5. Dude, I'd be totally fine with that. Just don't ever, ever consider a divorce.

    But I think Irina would have already made that clear. And me.

  6. I think I need the number of your father-in-law's guy. Or your father-in-law. Because I have a lot of stuff that needs fixing and no money to do it.

  7. You may be on to something here, I happen to know the cops always have a guy too. Just ask, every cop knows a guy who knows how to do something cheap and fast... on his days off, because he's usually a cop too. Both organizations work about the same, just different neighborhoods.


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