Sammy, what's going on with you? You've been sleeping like a coke fiend recently.
Well, dad - you've gotta understand something.
Yeah? what's that?
I might get in trouble for telling you this, but you seem cool. Still too early to tell, really, but I'm gonna go with my gut here. Have you ever heard of the ICC?
Uh, duh. The International Cricket Council. They're the ones that dictate how many tea breaks there are in a cricket match. What does that have to do with your sleep patterns?
Oh, boy, dad. I can see our family's future is completely up to me. No, not the cricket douches. I'm talking about the International Child's Conspiracy.
What? Conspiracy? Are we in Nevada? Even though you're what, 4 months old now, I haven't raised you to believe in that crap.
No, dad - listen. Here's the phenomena - You know those two books you just read? One of them said not to let children cry at nighttime lest they develop anxieties about falling asleep. The other said that if you go and run to your child they will end up becoming severely dependent upon your help and thus not be able to function in society as independent adults.
Yeah, I know. It's insane.
Exactly. That's the point. Studies by babies everywhere have come to the realization that they can better control their parents if they are confused, frustrated and sleep deprived. So the ICC came up with a solution: publish books with vastly differing viewpoints to facilitate the confusion and frustration. Get on forums and twitter and other online media and create rivalry between parents, saying that everyone ELSE is doing it the wrong way. Then, as a final measure, infiltrate the AAP, and control nation-wide baby-policy from there.
Infiltrate the AAP? How does a baby infiltrate the American Academy of Pediatrics?
Simple - they're incredibly likely to have children, aren't they? And they're under a lot of stress already from being doctors and all that. So we just get their babies on board. It's as easy as getting an adult to give candy to a baby.
But how do you communicate with them? They're presumably all over the country, there's no way you get out of the house to travel.
It's sad how stupid you adults really are. Do you really think those baby monitors are one way? They've been engineered as long range walkie-talkies.
I'm afraid of you.
Eh, don't worry about it. You're so sleep deprived, you'll get to work tomorrow and think that this was just some hallucination.
No really, I'm afraid of you. I'm gonna start tattooing clues on my body for me to remember this stuff later like that dude in Memento.
Don't forget - that guy was actually a bad dude.
Was he? I didn't really get that movie.
Oh, dad. Just be quiet and plug my pacifier back in. WAAH!